Zombie scrap and crap

STAND UP COMEDY SCRIPT THAT COULD GET ME KILLED!

2005-05-17T01:48:00.000-07:00

well helloo all,

Havent been in this realm for quite sometime..well u know how things are with Amateur writers..we hit what writers call a writers block more often than most writers..its this situation where u feel u have something good to write and when you start writing it, a sudden image of Naveen and Anwin's new hair style pops in ur head and amnesia comes to the fore..( They basically look like Diana 1 and Diana 2, they should be arrested for impersonating a dead person!..he he)

I was kind of workin on a few topics recently..let me get u up to date on the latest projects in the offing for me..well theres this one where am writing a bit on pets (This was inspired by Anwin, who spends hours staring at a bottle of water with little coloured pieces of flesh movin around..read more later)..and there is the other one on online games and the trauma that it can cause when most people get hooked to it (Inspired by renie and his incessant need to be a pain in the arse by winning all the time!)..

You can look out for these later..but for now to get me out of this writers block..I thought this would be a good oppurtunity to make fun of all u guys!..he he..

So I put all of us through a life and death situation to see how each of us would react..

Renie :-

Situation : Man points a double barreled shotgun
Action : Renie rolls into a ball, Makes like a porcupine
Reaction: Would have escaped if the man did not see a very obvious protrusion between the big ball of fur.
Moral of the story: when a man points a gun at u..dont get excited..

Anwin:-

Situation : Man points a double barreled shotgun
Action : Anwin sings, Plays and does the song "Take me to the next whiskey bar.."
Reaction : Guess who went to the whiskey bar with Anwin..
Moral of the story:To drink or not to drink..is not a question..

Anand :-

Situation : Man points a double barreled shotgun
Action: Gunman does not exist..
Reaction: Anand still thinks he exists
Moral of the story : Watch "A beautiful mind"

Gerald :-

Situation : Man points a double barreled shotgun
Action : "Down in the valley with my saviour i.."
Reaction: Down in the valley with his saviour he went..
Moral of the story:- Not all songs soothe savage beasts..

Manu:-

Situation : Man points a double barreled shotgun
Action: He did not see it coming..
Reaction : Nobody saw it coming..
Moral of the story:I did not see this coming..

Naveen :-

Situation : Man points a double barreled shotgun
Action : Changes into his fiery superhuman costume(sunburst underwear..on the outside of course..red cape and chappals borrowed from Mahesh) and tranforms into this hideous fireball called "PYROMAN"
Reaction: Gives the Gunman a whole new meaning for the phrase "Burns when you pee"
Moral of the story: If you have to shoot..shoot!..dont pee..

Anoop :-

Situation : Man points a double barreled shotgun
Action;- A quick left elbow to the shoulder..a couple of roundhouse kicks to the head..a slam dunk, a clothes line..
Reaction:-Tombstone reading "Here lies Anoop..He didnt have a gun"
Moral of the story: Stop looking for Gerald..u wont find him down here..

'evenin all,

Anoop

my stand up comedy script #3

2005-01-26T08:43:00.001-08:00

#3 Incompetents..A fight for a free country

ok..so heres the thing

I always believed in equality, fraternity, maternity and all the other human rights stuff
that i dont remember.

So i thought heres a devil given oppurtunity to boost the ego of a hugely downtrodden group
of people called the incompetents(not to be confused with that movie "the incredibles")
Allthough the people who made that movie belong to the group of incompetents.

So this is for all those people who made that movie and watched it..this should cover all of
America and some parts of mexico.
In the defence of the incompetent..i dont believe they should be oppressed any more!!!
whatever happened to all men are equal?? So i say give them a free country called
Incompetentica..some where near the Artic..their skulls are numb anyway. what?..whats that i
hear? you wont grant them their freedom eh?? Well let me give you the perfect possible
reason why you should!!

I conducted a study(my lifes research actually) to pit three different groups of people
against each other, in a tight situation to see who comes on top..so meet the
contenders..the funny,the smart/serious(I believe all smart people are ..serious) and our
friends the incompetent..

Picture this..your 16 year old underage girl friend comes and tells you "to whomsover it may
concern..I'm pregnant". A typical situation where most people would sell everything from
their kidneys to their balls to build a time machine and go back in time and use a different
protection..In the incompetents' case..a protection..

If you belong to the group of funny people you would most definitely say "honey..dont
worry..In three years we can have a three some.." and then make up for the unappropriate
remark with a diamond ring and a funeral..i meant wedding..i distinctly said wedding!! dont
judge me!!!all said a done..a fine loser you would make! The smart/serious guy would take
time off to investigate how and why and when it happened..DNA tests would later reveal that
there are strands in the baby that belonged to Macscrewme the paperboy, Macscrewall the
milkman among many others..not the best news I guess..but my friend consider yourself lucky
if you are the incompetent!..he would just say "duh..duh..duduh.." and faint..the girl
seeing all this thinks its all her fault and her responsibility at the protection department and is willing to sell all she's got to go back in time to change history..while mr.incompetent is doing the "duh".

Now people, think of the power of the incompetent now..they are a race that can instill such guilt and responsibility in every one they meet!

Well then ladies and gentlemen the moral of the story is if you are funny..You buy one, you get one free.If you are not, you buy one, everyone gets it free and if you are incompetent you will get your free CUNTry!!

good night!

My stand-up comedy script #2

2005-01-12T08:55:00.000-08:00

As I walked through the valley of death..oh crap must stop reading the bible when am on the internet! anyway this is one of my earlier ones that I wrote and I modified it a teeny bit and added it up!

#2 want somebody to love?

Speaking of happiness, one other thing comes to mind..the absolutely crazy thing
called love(I do not have copyright of this song from Queen)

For centuries people have been searching for the meaning of this really paranormal
phenomenon.Its a wonder it didnt make it big on an episode of the X-Files!! Why..It
has even driven people mad! Some even think that their existance is worthless without
this so called Love!..so they kill themselves..preferably with something that will not
cause too much pain..we dont want to spoil the glamour of the whole situation now do
we? Then the geniuses they think have made the ultimate sacrifice! Its not a
chicken..its not a sheep..not a cow..it you who is dead..idiot! To me the only
sacrifice they have done is rid the world of 2 kg's of shit a day!!

There also are these confused people who spend hours trying to figure out if love is
the neurons in their brain or the bulge in their pants!..I say when in doubt..off with
the pants!!!

Some smooth operators however leave the matchfixing to their mom..how convenient..this
way they dont have to think too hard or kill themselves.For mom though, its quality
time at the supermarket!..look theres brand A tall, Fair,Perfect teeth..oh and nice
boobs! perfect for my son!I say you have been forced to love a girl who is a
perfect match for your mom!

Then there are these cool types who think love is a four letter word..well, so is F***
and A*** and the rest of it!!!!

Well ladies and gentlemen..if you fall in none of the above categories..you probably
are gay..No no..Nothing to be ashamed of, or alarmed about..they make babies in test
tubes these days..hell if that fails, go clone a sheep!!!!

My stand-up comedy script #1

2005-01-11T09:06:00.000-08:00

hey dudes I thought I would try my bit at this Stand up comedy stuff..Hope seinfeld does not visit this blog to steal my material!

Legal warning:- This material has a lot of sensitive issues as I make fun of caste, colour creed, fat men/women, dogs, cats, monkeys..ok..everythin under the sun! hell I spent a half hour the other day making fun of an empty waste basket! nothin personal! i dont have anythin against the above types..well its just that i make fun of them!

#1 ARE YOU HAPPY??

ok here's the thing!

People always wonder what makes them happy, well I'll tell you...MONEY!! money makes you happy..who says money cant buy happiness!!

You walk up to a guy with little money and he'll tell you that money cant buy everything..and certainly cannot buy happiness..thats because the faggot cant make any money!!! Instead he would go on and on about how content he is with his 1935 FIAT and leaky roofed house and rats in his rice cooker and a bathroom that runs!

My friend(Its someone u dont know) once walked up to a bum and asked him if he was happy..No Surprise! the bum said "NO! I have no Money!" My friend the good samaritan that he is, was shocked..he said "hey..money cant buy you happiness!" The very oppurtunistic bum took a knife and jabbed my friends back and said.."well then, give me all your money.."..Now ladies and gentlemen..who's happy?

Ok lets put this theory to test and then rest..picture this..your dad walks up to you and says.."Son..I bought you a ferrari..". Is there anybody reading this who's happy???

Hell yeah! I would change my name to happy!!

Introduction

2005-01-11T08:56:00.000-08:00

special thanks to my jobless friends naveen and Anwin(no offence and of course none taken) for introducing me to this facility(man sounds like an advertisement for a public loo house!)

anywayz please do visit www.anwin.blogspot.com and www.naveenroy.blogspot.com as they always have some crazy thing to say..It sure restores your faith in the already damned human race that there is still some insanity in this world worth fighting for..